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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

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1. I basically live in my pajamas, because I’m always at home. On the weekends, my life feels so slow. I just spend all day alternating between going on the computer, watching TV, and napping. That’s it, basically.
2. I saw you smile. Now I know that all those silly conversations in movies about loving someone’s smile are all true. It’s the best thing my eyes have ever seen.
3. Sometimes I judge people based on their taste in music.
4. It gives me great satisfaction that all the ugly fat bitches I went to elementary school with are still ugly and fat and I’m fierce and skinny.
5. I hate that I depend on you being there. I hate that I care about anyone this much. I value my independence, it makes me who I am. And I can't decide, if it's safe to value you more.
6. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to tolerate this fucking awful family.
I’m so fed up with my mom and her mood swings. One day she’s great; the next day, she turns into a fucking bitch. Whatever mood she wakes up in determines how the day is going to be.
7. I took a walk to clear my head, and it got me nowhere. My whole world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Most of my once close friends have drifted away.
8. Woop de fucking doo for you. Some guy walked you home and gave you his jacket. Shut the fuck up about your love life. No one gives a shit, especially me. Stop rubbing it in my fucking face. You go through guys like you go through hair dye for fucks sake.
9. I told him we'd stay together while I was away at university. I cheated on him my first night here, and I'm not even sorry.
10. I just fed my brother a cookie I dropped on the ground. He didn't know and so he ate it. He still doesn’t know. And I don’t feel bad.
11. My best friend uses me for what I have and to make her feel better about herself
12. I want to talk to you so bad, but what do I say? Where do I start? I think you are really cute and I'd love to get to know you. I wanna be with you. I'm just so scared of rejection. I'm scared you don't feel the same. But I won't even try. I hate being like this.
13. Have you ever felt that weird feeling in the air that something big is gonna happen to you soon? I can just feel it all over.
14. I'm an extremely logical, cynical and realistic woman. A lot of people misconstrue it for bitchiness, I'm really not sure why, but it doesn't bother me even a little bit. I simply know when I'm right and admit it when I'm not.

15. Everyday is so mundane and repetitive. I only get out of the house when I’m going to school, going grocery shopping, or going to the gym. I go out with "friends" maybe once a month, if I’m lucky.
16. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace. Everyone else around me is fighting a war and I'm at peace. I've never realized how wonderful it really is, for right now there is no fighting, and I only have to make myself happy.
17. I really wish I could get over you
, but you were my first serious boyfriend. Though we were only together 2 years it seemed like forever. The way you’re acting now that we’re broke up just makes me sick to my stomach.
18. I take so many pills to go to sleep that I'm afraid sometimes I won’t wake up. I don’t even know if I'm supposed to combine them. I’m usually a smart girl. I just don’t care about anything anymore.
19. All my long-term relationships end horribly. Maybe because I'm a passionate person, or maybe I'm just not ready for anything serious. I'm sick of being blamed for everything when a relationship involves two people.

20. I chose not to kill myself because I wanted to attend my dream school. I lived, and my dream school turned out to be just as bad as my old one. I wonder if I made the right decision.
21. I am sick and tired of everyone saying that they have problems. I have problems... I have an ex that won’t leave me alone. A friend who doesn’t want to talk to me. People need to grow up and stop being so selfish. I am trying to change my life and everything, but I can’t when I go somewhere and everyone is talking shit. Leave me the fuck alone.
22. I need new friends but where can I find them?
23. I hate when people say "you almost gave me a heart attack", because I've seen someone die of a heart attack.
24. I hate being naked and would rather shower with clothes on than off.
25. Most days, I feel like I have no reason to keep going. The only thing that really makes me happy nowadays is when I buy new clothes, and my puppy kitten. She’s basically the only one I can connect with anymore. It sounds so pathetic to say, but it’s true. I love her so much; she always puts a smile on my face, even after I’ve had a totally shitty day. At least I can always count on her.
26. I have never been, nor will ever be, enough for anybody. I have been blessed with everything that makes a brilliant first, second, third impression, and cursed with everything that pushes everybody away once they get to know me. I'm so alone, not for lack of attention but because I've been left so many times I don't try anymore, and I don't even know if I care anymore.
27. I smoke far far far too much hash. Even now.This has taken me about twenty minutes to write.
28. I go into barnes and noble but I'm looking for my soulmate more than a book that I want.
29. Selfish controlling bastards. That’s what men are! They think that because they say that they love you one minute, you’re supposed to lick the salty side of their sacks the next. Fuck that shit.
30. I love you. I've loved you all along. The worst feeling in the world is loving someone who used to love you.
31. I haven't had sex in over a year. And right now, it's really bad. I feel like I'm not getting the whole young high school experience. I want to live. I want to fuck. And party. And have fun. It's not happening, and I'm becoming depressed.
32. As bad as it is, I like the attention when people call me a whore. It makes me feel pretty.
33. Sometimes, when I sweet talk you, I use lyrics from songs that you haven't heard. Then I just pray to god you don't hear that song.
34. I miss you more than you know. We made a terrible mistake, and I wonder if you have realized that too.
35. I’ve hit my self destruct button. It was a total accident, and I don’t even know how I did it. But now I’m feeling lower than ever.
36. I've never had a girlfriend nor even done anything remotely close to anything sexual with a woman. I always end up as the best friend for some reason. Told I'm attractive, that any girl would be lucky to have me, and dealing with them crying when their dick of a boyfriend does something stupid. I don't want any more friends its too much work anymore.
37. Sometimes I wish I killed the entire human race so I can the only one living in this world. I am so obsessed with being alone. Then maybe a new race humans will evolve and I will their leader.
38. You are the one for me. We haven't met yet but I am waiting for you; body, mind and soul. You and I will love each other like no one has ever loved anyone before. We will be perfect for each other. You will be able to make me feel safe and wanted. I will be able to make you feel important and cherished. You and I will share the same kind of humor and we will have fun being spontaneous. We will try doing things that we would never do alone but we wont pressure each other to do anything either of us wouldn't do. God will bring us together and he will keep our love strong.
39. Everyone my age has had a boyfriend, except for me. And it feels as if it's keeping me separate from everybody.
40. I live on my own and I literately don't have one person in this world to call. One person in this world to just honestly tell them I need help and that I'm sad.
41. Sometimes when I am vacuuming I find the musical note that the vacuum makes and then harmonize with it.
42. Thinking about being with you is better then actually being with you.
43. I am going to med-school to become a doctor, just so I can shove it in my mother-in-laws face, that I have a better life, and that I provide more for her son then she ever could.
44. I'm still in love with him no matter how many times I deny it. I say I will never date him again but if he asked me out I wouldn't think twice about it and be with him again.
45. I'm trying to be the laid back girlfriend who doesn't overreact and doesn't care about much. But it's so hard to do that when my boyfriend ditches me all the time for his friends, and is a complete asshole.
46. I was waiting for the beginning of a new school year the whole summer just so I could see my 6-months-long-crush, who has no idea about who I even am. It was worth it.
48. I've plastered a smile on my face just so people think I'm okay when really I feel so dead inside that I hardly feel like it's worth it to keep going. My friends love me because I am so happy and fun and full of life and I often wonder if I would still have friends if they knew I felt depressed and dead on the inside.
49. Sometimes I like to stand in the shower with my clothes on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
50. When I'm hungry but don't have a lot of money, my favorite place to eat is the supermarket. I walk up and down the isles eating whatever food isn't packaged; like bread, fruits, and vegetables and then i just walk out. Lunch is for free. I'm surprised more people don't do this.
51. I like to go to the bathroom and do my business with the door open. It makes me feel extremely free and uninhibited
52. I'm scared my heart is gonna fail and my family will be left to mourn me. That's my worse fear. I don't want to die young. It's not fair.
53. Some time ago, I had this dream. In this dream a voice told me distinctly that I will never find love because he/she couldn't find anyone to match with me. Even if that voice did not tell me that i will be alone forever, I already know.
54. I wanted you to know that I love not having you around. I can finally be myself and like whatever I want to like without you treating me like a little kid. I hope you come to realize this.
55. Your smile and your presence is more powerful than you know.
56. I swear I just can't stop looking at pornography. I'm a christian and it feels like it's tearing my life apart with Jesus. I never thought that it could be addictive but it is.
57. The days my dad was in Iraq, were the best days of my life.
58. I fear I ruined my relationship with the love of my life, and I'm going to end up marrying a man that is second best.
59. I smile and laugh a lot, but I'm hurting on the inside. I don't care much about my life. I only stay around for my family.
60. you're so sick all the time. i know it's bad but sometimes i wish you would just die and get over with it already
61. Every time I go to a wedding I wonder how long before the happy couple isn't.
62. I never feel like anyone cares anymore. I'm permanently paranoid & I'm never happy. I manage to pretend but I wish someone would notice.
63. It seems as though I am the only one who has not found love yet, and the only one who would actually appreciate having it.

64. I'm so glad we reconnected today. It was one of the best in a long time.
65. I wish someone could tell me if being with my boyfriend is right. I worry he's holding me back from greatness.
66. I'm a virgin, I'm scared that my sexual fantasies won't live up to the real thing.
67. i blame the weed and your brother for tearing apart our fantastic friendship. your brother broke my heart, and the weed made it ok.
68. I get butterflies each time I see you and my heart races, it's as though it'll jump right out. You have no idea.
69. I bring laughter to many, but I am so sad and lonely that I often wish that I will simply die in my sleep.
70. I've lost touch with many of my friends because I enjoy being by myself more.
71. I lie all the time. I lie about myself. I lie about other people. Even about people whom I love. People whom have been good to me. I want the attention. I feel my regular life is so boring that no one would want to hear me talk unless I make the story more exciting, scary, sad, amazing, unbelievable.
72. If we could just get a hotel for the night and not tell a soul, I would.
73. I am a talented artist, but I haven't done any meaningful art for years. I'm too lazy and would rather just get drunk.
74. You were never as good as I thought you were. I was never as bad as you made me feel.
75. When you killed yourself it hurt me so much, part of me wishes you would have taken me with you.
76. I swore I wrote some of these secrets... It's strange to know somebody is going through exactly the same thing as me. But it's nice.
77. I wish I could get rid of everything and move away where none of you could find me. I'm tired.
79. When I don't do what to do in certain situations, I often wonder if the "signs" that we are suppose to look for, are actually true. And if things that are "good luck", actually good luck. So far it doesn't seem to be.
80. Even for how much I cry & worry, this is still the best I have ever been in my life. And for once, I'm excited to see what's next.
81. I fear I will never find my soul mate. I'm so quiet, he might miss me.
82. My secret hobby is seeing how many different places I can pee in while drunk.
83. Even though no one would call what you did "cheating", that's what it felt like to me. I can never trust you again.
84. My aunt needs a kidney transplant and my moms donating. I wish my mom wasn't going to. I'd rather my aunt die.
85. I'm not ready to grow up. I just want to make a pillow fort in my old bedroom at my mom's house and never come out again.
86. i feel like i missed my youth. i was too busy being miserable. i hope i find a way to enjoy the rest.
87. Throughout the day I write down things for us to talk about on the phone so I don't seem boring to you. I'm so scared of losing you.
88. I know the exact times of when I see you every day. I know what hallway, after what class, who you might be walking with. Is that stalkerish? I just like you so much.
89. I still haven't deleted her number from my cell phone, and it's been over 2 years since her death. I miss her everyday.
90. Yeah, the sex was great - but the best part was when you reached down to hold my hand after. It's the little things, I promise.
91. I pretend to be more drunk than I am so you'll flirt with me and try to take advantage. I love every second of it and I love you.
92. If I had to choose between you and my cat, I would choose the cat.
93. Becoming vegan 4 years ago was an excuse to hide my eating disorder. I crave a big mac everyday!
94. Everyone would think my family is good and loving... but only if they knew what happens behind closed doors.
95. I dressed up and put on makeup today just to work from home because I want to look beautiful, even if it's just for the dog.
96. I love my dad but have never felt good enough. I want to know him better, but I don't think he will like what I have really become.
97. I'm so cheap. I steal clothes from stranger's laundry.
98. I'm pretending I have to work on my birthday because I don't want to admit that I have no friends to celebrate with.
99. I dread the day my father dies. I know I'll have to give the eulogy, and I'm afraid I won't be able to say anything good about him.
100. This is not how I wanted my life to be.

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Monday, October 19, 2009

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Friday, October 16, 2009

Not sure if I like everything in today's post. But that's probably 'cause I'm exhausted and my brain feels like it's numbed up and unable to function.

And I still have to prep for my in class essay for AP Lang. Yay. That class makes me want to shoot myself.

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

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cracked

mess

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